So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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