I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
