I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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