So drunk its hurt
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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