Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
