If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
