I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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