and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Boobs are out for the taking
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
