Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
