I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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