I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
