Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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