i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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