she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
