I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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