my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
