He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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