Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
