how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry about my life...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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