No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
