Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
