Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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