The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
