You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
