I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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