I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
