so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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