Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
