dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
