A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
