how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
