Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
