Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
