Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
