How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
