Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
