I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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