I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
