no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
