Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
