You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
