if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
