i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
