I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize