bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
