No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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