i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
