we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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