I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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