Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
