I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
