Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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