I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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