you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
