I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
