The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
