and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
