i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
