Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
